Roma Locuta Est

July 13, 2021 (Edward J Barr) – The Devil was overflowing with pride after his visits to the US and China (see “The Devil came to Mass this weekend” and “The Devil travels to China.”).  He was even more ecstatic after the raucous court case that shook the denizens of the underworld (see “A Demonic Trial”). The demon of the United States prevailed in the trial by using a crafty and effective defense.  Yet one concern raised by the demon of China remained.  The president of the United States is a Catholic!  More than that, the evidence presented by the prosecution at trial contained numerous media articles describing the president as a “devout Catholic.”  Could all the positive gains touted by the demon of the United States’ defense be in danger? The devil had to find out for himself.

The demon of the United States came up with an interesting idea.  He and the devil could take a tour of the White House.  During the tour, they would disguise their views and pretend they supported Catholic policies while asking questions of the White House staff.  They’d certainly be able to get the foolish humans to state the president’s policies.  That way the Devil would get a better idea of the president’s true beliefs.  The demon of the US quickly procured White House tour passes from a sympathetic congressman.  He was eager to dispel any concern the devil may have about his ability to bring sin and suffering to the American people.  He could tell him what he knew about the president, but it would be better if the devil learned for himself.

The tour was scheduled for late afternoon.  It was a preferred time.  The guides would be tired and cranky, as would be many of the tourists.  Their discomfort was the demons’ delight.  They quickly pushed their way to the front of the group.  One of the faceless tourists asked about the new administration’s policies on – of all things – bathrooms.  It was a perfect lead-in for the Devil.  He shoved an old man to the side and asked, “Yeah, I bet the president believes that there are two genders, man and woman.  Does he want to push his Catholicism on all of us?”  The demon of the US smiled.  The guide flashed a toothy grin. “Why of course not, sir.  The president believes that all Americans can be whatever gender they desire.  He fully supports the Equality Act which exempts itself from the Religious Freedom Restoration Act.”  The guide saw the perplexed look on the Devil’s face. “If you were a little younger, Sir, you could play on a girls’ softball team if you liked,” she said with an impish grin.  The rest of the tour group roared in laughter. 

The demon of the US looked at the devil.  His plan was working.  The devil followed quietly as the tour continued.  He tried to make sense of what he had heard.  The tour guide describing one of the White House bedrooms brought him out of his daze.  Yes, bedrooms.  He regained his energy and again stepped to the front.  “So, now that the president is in charge of all the bedrooms in the White House, I bet he’ll try to take over all the bedrooms in the country with his crazy Catholic beliefs about abortion and same-sex marriage.”  There it was again!  The disgusting toothy smile.  “Why, of course not sir,” was the cheerful response.  “He supports a woman’s Constitutional right to choose. And that’s a quote.”  The demon of the US whispered to the devil.  “It’s not in their Constitution, but the president did say that, and many people believe it!”  The tour guide continued.  “The president strongly supports all kinds of equality.  He even presided at the wedding of two homosexual men.”  The Devil was stunned.  “Actual sodomites?”  The demon of the US elbowed him. “They don’t use that term anymore.  Too accurate.”  The teeth were still visible. “All persons have a right to be happy, don’t they?”  The crowd sighed and nodded in approval.  The Devil looked around at them.  They were all glaring at him as if he were – well – the Devil! 

The Devil let the rest of the tour group pass in front of him.  He looked down and shuffled along behind.  It didn’t add up. He had seen the evidence about the President being a devout Catholic.  He carried the beads and went to Mass.  The Devil had seen the fawning news coverage.  He motioned for the demon of the US to come next to him.  “OK, I get it.  The president supports our policies.  But why hasn’t his bishop said anything?  The demon of the US smiled.  “Maybe you should ask our tour guide.” The Devil grunted an insult and again strode to the front of the group.  “Hey, I heard that the president was a devout Catholic.  So, what does his bishop think about his policies that go against Church teaching?”  He grimaced in pain as the teeth reappeared.  “Oh, he and the archbishop are quite great friends.  The archbishop gave the invocation at the president’s first event in DC, on inauguration eve. He also thought that the statement by some bishops concerning the President’s support of reproductive rights was “ill-timed”.  Many other bishops agreed!” The devil had to turn his head.  The glare from the teeth was sickening. 

He turned to the demon of the US.  “I underestimated you.  Your excellence in creating hatred of Christian values and sowing confusion in the Church is quite impressive. I even believe your old adversary from China would be envious of the great strides you have made. The demon of the US nodded enthusiastically. “Oh, there is a China connection.  The president supported Permanent Normal Trade Relations (PNTR) with China when he was a senator and has benefited handsomely for his support of that regime.” The Devil’s bloodshot eyes opened wide.  “Yes. It makes sense, they certainly appear to think alike.”  The demon of the US grinned.  “True. Yet the media never reports on it here.  What is incredible is that the government doesn’t control the censorship here, yet it works just the same as in China.”  The Devil stood back.  “Wow.  How can that be?” The demon of the US fought the urge to brag, then gave in.  “I’ve been working on a grand plan,” he gloated.  “And it’s been working.  Let’s just say that you were right when you said that “they certainly appear to think alike.”  The Devil smiled.  “Amazing.  We’ve been working to convince souls that we don’t exist, and now there is a US president who has convinced many Americans that he is a devout Catholic. What synergy.  I hope all Catholics become as devout as him!”

The Devil basked in his glory as he and the demon of the US started to transform into spirit form before leaving the White House grounds.  The demise of the United States had progressed faster than he had hoped.  He slapped the demon of the US on the back just before his body vanished.  “Time to celebrate.  Where is the coliseum in this town?  Are they sacrificing Christians for sport yet,” he chuckled?  “Not so much for sport as for profit,” said the demon of the US.  “The nearest Planned Parenthood center is on 16^th Avenue NW.   I think you’ll enjoy the show.”  The Devil nodded.  “Lead the way.”  The demon of the US puffed up in pride. “And the show will get better. This administration has increased funding for abortion not only in the US, but around the world.  Even though some in the faithful Catholic media report the truth, most ignore them.  Even many bishops ignore the American president’s actions!”  The Devil smiled.  “This Catholic president, you mean.”  The crowds of tourists waiting for the next guided tour looked about in fright as the sound of two evil laughs echoed ominously throughout the White House lawn. 

Edward J Barr is a Catechist, an intelligence officer, a Marine, and public speaker. He holds a Master of Theology degree from the Augustine Institute. Mr. Barr is a contributing writer for the Roma Locuta Est blog (www.RomaLocutaEst.com)